In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o’clock in the morning

When I am away from Patrick, my thoughts are preoccupied with the memories of being with him. A miasma of sadness shrouds itself over me, each dew of teardrop weighs so heavily on the delicate spiderweb of my soul. A splinter and my being threatens to come undone. Sometimes, loneliness and love tweaks the psyche towards the edge of no return. Les jours, les mois, les saisons.. I long to be with you without The Calendar observing, analyzing and taking notes. Everyday I am haunted by the passing of each moment, by the click of the hour hand saluting its punctuality. The red, symmetrical digits of the clock stares back at me, mocking because I am powerless as each day slips by methodically. I can never be contented, even when we are together because the hour is slipping by and all I really want is eternity with you my love. So careless each minute tumbles and falls into the infinity of nothing; I want to grasp on to every flailing hour. I want each second to last an eternity, I want the clockwork to still for the aristocracy of our love.

Time leaves me a crumbling mess, dissolving into my own apologies and crying after my sins.

Sarah, don’t get mad at me for saying this but..

I heart maryland so much more than north carolina. This place, fayetteville at least, reminds me of sleepy hollow and its the closest I’ve ever been to hickville where the red necks trawl around slowly in their mud crusted trucks and where North West doesn’t fly to their local airport. What a joke. Of course, there are still remnants of deep south racisms that made itself quite apparent in a chance encounter at the mall’s subway on monday. Their ‘mall’, is in fact a tired little shopping center with yellowing tiles and tired faces of shop assistance. One way of measuring how developed a place really is, economically and socially, is to see how many asians are around. This mall has none! The sales tax for this state is at a whopping 15% but as Patrick puts it, Maryland probably gets more out of its 8% than NC gets out of its 15%. Besides the fact that I miss my HOUSE, with my AMAZING bathroom instead of this smallass hotel room we have ( it’s all been paid for by the navy ), I really miss the happy cosmopolitan state of Maryland. I WANT TO GO HOME!! But like I always say, just anywhere with Patrick beats heaven without.

Still, I’m too far south of the mason-dixon line, for comfort.

I never want each day of my stay in north carolina to end, I want to grasp the sand of time and stop each minute from slipping by when I’m in Patrick’s embrace. It is times like these when I wake up, pounced and kissed on by Patrick that joy bubbles through my veins and I get lightheaded from all the love. And at night, as I lay in his arms, I know everything is worth it. The 30 hour flights, the depression, the loneliness… Everything..

I love you hubby

I love Tom Brady because he is handsome, but apparently my 12 year old cousin disagrees.. and quite vehemently at that :

Patrick found out today that he will be leaving later, so he’ll still be stateside during spring break for me. So of course I had to get the first flight out on the 23rd, a saturday. I’m not complaining at all, because paying $50 USD for an air ticket on United to Raleigh is really an awesome deal. Besides, I only have to skip two days of class — monday and tuesday. Granted I have to miss 2 tutorials on that monday –  japanese studies which is a weekly 8am tutorials that is a sheer waste of my 45 minutes and my extra hour of sleep time. And of course french with the le severe professeur martin-lau. Well, he’ll just have to understand that there are more important things that being present for french class. I’ll speak to him about this next week, since I’ve already been absent for class this past monday because I felt like it and hung out with polish, jacqueline, benny and tim instead at the deck. the frivolity of it all.

Anyway, I AM FUCKING PSYCHED that I will be seeing my hubby in about a week! I feel exhilarated, like this is too good to be true. Today I’m gonna be running on a permanent high because I get to see him next week and also because I get to visit with Sarah!!! I really am so terribly happy Now the only decision I have to make is whether I will stay a night at Sarah’s and then meet patrick in the morning somewhere between his place and sarah’s or if I will go straight back to fayettesville with patrick and make sarah drive an hour half down to see me.

i am so happy.

Reading previous blog entries can be so heartbreakingly nostalgic.

Two years ago, I celebrated Vday with the NC bunch in school. Last year Patrick visited Singapore and I spent the last part of Vday at the airport, eagerly peering at the sea of faces behind glass doors. Three years ago, I was probably the embittered high schooler jaded by the world and pissed off at school.

Nothing much has changed huh.

I’m secretly quite proud of such a consistency actually. Not many people can stay bitter and angry for three consecutive years; unhappy people usually have a limited shelf life with a self stamped expiry date. Or they convert to christianity and miraculously get happier. So they think.

Dissatisfaction is terribly addictive. It seems I can always find something to be unhappy about. When in LA, nothing pleased me more than to sulk about the traffic and criticize the shitty transport system in so cal. In Toronto, I complain about the tax rate and comment obnoxiously that my Tim Horton donut is too soggy. In Maryland, I was disgruntled with Frank’s annoying 4am habit of hurling himself up and down the stairs under which is my bedroom. In New York, I starve myself deliberately because even McDonald’s is too expensive in times square and why are they so many mexicans on the subway? In Portland, the rain soils my new shoes. In Japan, why aren’t prices in USD and oh lord this little bun costs $2 USD??? In China, why do people spit so damn much and where is the MEAT I paid for goddammit?

In Singapore, I complain about well.. everything!

I’d be so much happier if there were less people here. Less idiots to deal with, less stupidity around, less body mass that will bump into me. But well fuck, a hustler can only wish.

I’ve suddenly lost the zeal to blog. Polish says blogging is for 12 yr olds and when I gave him a look of sheer disapproval and mockingly pout my lips, he condescendingly pats my head and apologizes. He probably didn’t do it deliberately.. Who knows but it’s for sure that vindictive me will get him back good.

Your seat is empty next to me at the table and we miss you, Patrick. I keep reminiscing back on last year when you were here… Mom already has plans on what we’ll have for dinner next chinese new year when we fly back to Singapore And for the hundredth time today, I wish you were here..

From the loving fiance, and the doting son in law :

Thank you hubby, for your gift, the card and your thoughts