It’s been soo difficult to get back into the studying routine today; it’s like you can almost see the end but it’s still out of reach. Gah.

So anyway, I amused myself by snooping around various US Navy sites and besides stumbling upon the interesting navybuddy.com site where I found Patrick’s name and got a thrill out of my little success, I also found an interesting read. Articles that pander to my knowledge about sailors in Japan ( and sex ) generally find an interested bone in me. Read here.

I am born for better and greater things in life.

I’ve always known it, since the days of being trapped under this stifling rubble of the Singapore education system. The affirmation I get from everyone around me push me to greater heights, with the knowledge that if I should fail, I will always be able to stand back up again. Head high, proud.

My grades are indeed mediocre. I have no shame admitting my achievements ( or lack thereof ) but I also know that these numbers will not make or break my opportune of success in life.

It feels so good to have so much encouragement around me, from professors, from friends, telling me that I have so much potential. This phase in my life, stuck in a miserable rut I call college life will come to pass so quickly in the next few months. It was through the University Scholars Program that I found the recognition and the affirmation, the little push that I needed and crave for. And this is where I found acceptance, friendship and academic content among like peers. This is my springboard to a better amelioration of things in my life to come.  All I needed was some recognition and with it comes my key to be better.

It is ambitious. To proclaim loudly and confidently that I want to work for the US government in the league of mandarin translation. Who is this starry eyed college kid, her heart full of hope for a better tomorrow. It’s amazing how much I am looking forward to my leaving this university where the students are too blinded by the needs of today to realize a bigger tomorrow of job prospects and many other better things to come. Too busy, too tired for the happier things in life — hugs, cookies and seeking comfort in stuffed toys. ( Odd but I felt comforted by the furry little presence sitting on my lap yesterday in the chatterbox ) . I don’t claim to be less busy, less tired and less disenchanted with school. I don’t claim to be better than anyone. I just have a direction to go, even though I don’t know where we’ll be in Spring 2009.

Over the phone today, Patrick related the happy news that a colleague suggested that I would probably be able to work for the Naval law office in Japan because of my college degree and my language skills. And while I know other better qualified Americans from distinguished colleges may speak Mandarin with a far proficient accent ( think peking ) than I can, I believe I have the upper hand over them because of these reasons.

1. I’m actually chinese. Here’s an example. Between a native Japanese who speaks english with no hint of an accent at all and a white American ( who learnt japanese in college for 4 years ), who would you hire to do Japanese translations? The fact is race and ethnicity and sometimes nationalistic reasons do play a prejudicing role in getting hired for language studies, translation etc.

2. I am a minority female. The U.S government has many many racial quotas to meet and in a field as masculine or as racially inclined as the military, female asians are beholden for meeting quotas. This is one instant where I don’t mind being reduced to a mere statistics, if it fulfills a larger end.

3. I am and will be the wife of a military personnel. Security clearances would have already been done ages ago, leaving red tape considerably less daunting in my favor.

4. Its a military base. That means most of its denizens will be active military members or their spouses. Not trying to insult anyone but most military members rarely have a degree during their time of service. The point of the being enlisting is sometimes for the G.I bill. And most of their spouses ( presumably Japanese women who are at the end of the social hierachy there) are not as educated as say.. a liberal arts graduate who can speak english and mandarin.

I am ready to start another life with Patrick, in another country. Be it the United States, Japan or wherever the Navy takes us.

I write this blog entry in memorandum, to look back and reflect upon in better times when success has unfurled.

I am counting down to the days of going home, on facebook, on msn and of course, on my wordpress blog.

I’ve gotten much better after two trips — for the breathing problem and the horrifying large zit , to the doctor who informed me that I am overly stressed out. I have resumed my eating habits and Facial Distress has gone down significantly. I expect it to have disappeared completely in the next week or so, just in time for post-exam happy partying. Well, not partying in that sense of the word but yummy margaritas at Cafe Iguana and amazing company. I just have to put the prescribed acne medication on the FD for now while I’m stuck at home and studying for US foreign policy on saturday.

So close.. Two weeks, I can almost taste the wintry frost and feel the rustle of Patrick sleeping next to me.

Over ice cream last night, after our western political thought exam we reminisced the good times of good ol american food in our favorite Olive Garden and the Red Lobster. It brings back cascades of memories just thinking back on how Patrick and I looooove the Olive Garden, he’s especially fond of a certain lemon cake dessert they have that. Me, I don’t like most cakes much as my better friends would know ( thank you Crystal for remembering which ).

Anyway, I’m ready to go back. To float into the arms of my hubby and remain froever in bliss. Truly, it’s the little things that make my eyes twinkle. I’m still smiling from the fact that unexpectedly, he called yesterday while I was in the cab home after a delicious bout of ice cream. I wasn’t expecting calls until this morning but that one minute of his voice made me unbelievably happy. I’m counting down to the days I can be with him, uninterrupted 🙂

The days are just dragging by, even more so because of the exams. But thank god for encouraging professors, happy hugs, awesome friends and amazing white chocolate macadamia nut cookies from subway.

Thank you Lynette, Crystal, Sarah, Bonnie and Patrick for making this tolerable.

Hang in there m’ dears.

I am so bad at updating this blog.

Life has just been a whirl of frenzy. One would never have guessed, from happy pictures of smiling faces and bright lights of the city reflecting in the dancing eyes of friends — that being 21 would indeed mark the end of simpler days on end.

I had both of my lower wisdom teeth removed last friday at my dentist. It was a horrifying experience. Under the scope of a glaring surgical light and surrounded by clinical white walls, with the sound of my pain muffled against the quite yelps of futility, I tried to rise above myself.

There is no point in idealism because reality is all there is. Instead of wishing for a deux ex machina ending, I tried hard to plan for my eugenics essay due the following tuesday. But it was just too hard to concentrate with the dull ache of a tendon pulling as the tooth stubbornly clung on, relishing its every hold. The dreaded drill came next and I could’ve sworn I lost my hearing for that 2 minutes post-surgery. Maybe it would’ve been better if that actually happened ; minutes after, I had the other tooth removed.

I’ve been subsisting on the infantile diet of plain porridge for the last 3 days, and stayed home feeling neglected on Sunday when the family went out for my dad’s birthday. It would’ve made little sense if I had gone so I chose to spend the quiet evening alone. I find solidarity with solitude.

Two days ago, I gave up eating. The entire process was just too painful and strenuous on myself. My esophagus became constricted, as did my chest and swallowing water became painful. Eating, releases endorphins which are happy hormones. Pain, however does too in large quantities.

Apparently, its not enough to lift my spirits from this horrible rut. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I have barely enough energy to sit up straight. All I think of doing is bead shopping, which I did on Tuesday when my swollen face subsided. My finals are coming up and all I’ve done so far is my evolution notes and my read up on Aristotle. Aristotelian philosophy depress me because it hurts to be reading about how inept I am as a mechanical animal whose concerns are with work and school.

The irony — His philosophy is exam fodder.

I finally made my way to the doctor today after my chest tightness got worse and after I started waking up in the middle of the night gasping for breath. He says that these symptoms are psycho somatic and largely due to stress. Well, no wonder. With my first paper on monday.

There is a reason why these medical problems manifest themselves only in Singapore. It’s because I am homesick. I cannot deal with people around me all the time and as much as man is a social animal ( according to Descartes ), we need our space sometimes. I don’t get any here. Everything and everyone adopts an intrusive complex here. At the train station, a coarse voice bellows through the public announcement system rousing me from my afternoon stupor and interrupting my well fabricated ideas of my future. At the park, sweaty boys yell in excitement as the ball teeters on the rim before free-falling into success.

There is a beeping noise that is ubiquitous here. And I promise you, I am not neurotic. Sarah and Bonnie, my girlfriends who go to school in the UNC and GT respectively were the first ones to hear it.

I am so ready to go home. Patrick and I finally bought my air ticket yesterday and I will be leaving in 21 days on the 13th of December. That sliver of hope is enough to keep me going.. Because we all need something to look forward to.

I’m not saying that Singapore is a horrid place to live in. It is just incredulous to compare it to bigger cities like Toronto, Los Angeles, New York, Baltimore and Portland just to name the few that I have lived in.

In Baltimore, history lives in every nook and cranny. The rustic structures in Annapolis immortalize a glorious naval era, glowing with precious patriotism. How different it is today where the miasma of disenchantment hovers like an unwelcome visitor.

Toronto, cold and scenic but with warm hearts and flushed faces. Spaces are wild and bewildering, as the cold frost collides with your warm breath you see a puff of smoke dissipating into the air. I like my solitude and at Edward’s Garden, sitting by a little creek, I am at peace with the world.

In the city of angels, I find solace. How curious that I should use that because tranquility, the hustle and bustle of big city livin’ do not belong in the same sentence. But if you know where to go, you just might be pleasantly surprised. Burbanks is great for horse riding and I like wandering around the woods with my chestnut colored friend. The quiet rustling of leaves and the occasional chipmunk peeks out inquisitively, a wide eyed wonder. There’s Riverside and Pasadena with its idyllic suburbia that deceives me into believing life is perfect.

There is New York, with its flashing billboards and police sirens, confused tourists and an incomplete skyline. Strangely, I find myself at home in this bustling city. Individualism is a sacred tenet, almost a pre-requisite for being in New York. Like Lynette puts it, walking through 4th, 5th and 6th Avenues along Union Street where the walk ups were oh so pretty There was this old school 40s Truman Capote like feel to the houses. I love history, the more the grander.

In my favorite cities, saints have a past and sinners have a future. Rousseau argues that man has not a memory. Au contraire monsieur.Memories are a doorway to immortalize a past that cannot be resurrected.

♥♥♥

( A view of the sunrise in our backyard, MD )

To everyone who wished me happy birthday on facebook or through text, THANK YOU!

I didn’t think anyone had remembered my 21st except for the hubby so imagine my surprise when Lynnette texted me and said that she had something for me. It turned out to be this pair of beautiful earrings from accessorize that’s my favorite pair now. I love it!!!! Thanks Brandon, Lynn and Gabriel, I really love those earrings! They have ME written all over them haha.

To crystal for bringing the 50% absolut and a slice of chocolate cheese cake, I can’t believe you actually remembered that I hate cakes except cheese cake! It was so awesome hanging out and just bitching about stuff. Haven’t done it in a while and it felt so good to let some steam out and get some hugs from you!!!! 😀

To Sarah and Bonnie, even though I doubt you’re reading this now thank you for the awesome time at boat quay, and the psychedelic time after. I had such a blast!

To the hubby, thank you for your presents. I love the wallet and the keychain but I would’ve loved it even more if you were here. I really would have, because the gifts mean nothing without you. I love you 🙂

If I could choose, I wouldn’t have spent my birthday in any other way. Thank you everyone for making my 21st extra special 🙂