After a huge fuss and the negation of one flight ticket back to Singapore later, I am in Portland to spend pre-Christmas with my in laws and Christmas with said family and Patrick. At first I thought I could bravely return and be strong in the face of dissolution and with Patrick’s encouragement I really thought I could do it. Finally my bags were all packed but the night before my flight I was sleepless and miserable so when I woke up at 4am for my flight two hours later, I made up my mind I was going to stay. We went back to bed and I woke up at noon, guilty but glad I was staying. But after Patrick laid out the stakes infront of me once again and his eyes shone with disapproval, my heart weighed heavy against my conscience as I picked up the phone and rescheduled my flight to portland for 2pm. I was fine all the way from lunch to when I got to Atlanta for my transit, after an hour delay due to shitty weather and a horrifying flight later with lots of tears shed in miserable claustrophobia pushing me over the edge of my sanity, I bravely decided that it would be better if I spent Christmas with Patrick here. So its half a ticket gone but I like to think that my angst would have been better curbed than to ruin the festive mood of the people I love. It would have been better if I stayed in Maryland, if Patrick in his guilt, hadn’t pursuaded me to buy that ticket to portland so early in dec so I could’ve had been with him in maryland but the deed is done and there is no going back to that. Still, I am comforted by Patrick’s impending arrival a little after 2 weeks later on the 19th. Parting has only been distressing for me but this time around, it was impossibly heartwrenching and while it has certainly been a hard decision, I am happy for the most part that I won’t be away from Patrick for too long. It is bittersweet though because believe it or not, in spite of all my angst and dislike for the Singaporean climate, I was looking forward to bead shopping, lychee martini ice cream at the quaint little shop corner in Arab street, warm tales of travel reminiscing with the lady boss there, cosy tête a tête with the girls over margaritas by the river, the light tinkling of the windchime at home in the silence of midnight like fairies tiptoeing across glaciers…. Oh be still my fluttering heart. But I only have to remember how miserable I am when Im not doing any of those things, and I am at peace with my decision.
Now we’re waiting to hear back from his military command about whether he will be assigned a hotel in florida for school so I can stay with him. Otherwise I certainly will fly back to Singapore or just stay there after cny. Sigh. I just want to turn the speed dial of time travel to start our muted joys of work routine in our lives, in Japan.
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